If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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