youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
