i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
