i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
