I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
