Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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