STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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