I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
