I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
