Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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