im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
