Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
