I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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