So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
