I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
smell my finger.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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