apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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