Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
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