You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
