Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
