i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
