Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
