Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm like, not good at living.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
