I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
