Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
