have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
