Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
