Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
