Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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