after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
