I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
