How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
