When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
