My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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