Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
