just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
