Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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