I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
