so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
