She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
