My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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