Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
