this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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