Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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