she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
