You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
