I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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