just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
