hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
