You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
