My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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